Childbirth class part 2

Better. Useful, even. We're encouraged: we might actually be halfway prepared for labor and delivery after all.

Always the overachievers, we were the first to arrive by 5 minutes. We spent our time overachieving even more by getting to know the instructor (the class isn't graded, but we figured that when we're dealing with people who may be remotely involved in the birthing process, brownie points may still come in handy). We have lots in common! Although we're no longer surprised to find fellow midwesterners in the Triangle area (we're not the only midwesterners who realized the Triangle is simply a warmer, more fun midwest, as long as you can ignore the rednecks), we are always happy to. She hails from the Twin Cities, as do many midwesterners, and her husband is in science writing. We chatted happily and felt like traitors after the scathing review we gave the class last time.

Once all the laggards arrived, we picked up right where we left off last time. I was reminded of kindergarten as we all sat on the floor, juice boxes in hand, working in groups to come up with ultra-simplistic ideas for ways to relax during labor and writing them with colorful markers on giant sheets of white paper. Fortunately, I had to use the bathroom and excused myself. I figured I could escape to the restroom twice during the class if I needed to without anyone really noticing. Sometimes it pays to be pregnant.

As I returned to the class, sanity recaptured and with a renewed vested interest in my juice box, we were beginning a review of what we learned last time. Matt and I both found it ironic that the instructor seemed to have a skewed idea of what we'd covered, asking technical questions about what happens during labor that no one seemed to be able to answer. If she would've asked about our culture's notions of childbirth, I'm sure we all would've done much better. She brought us up to speed and we continued from there.

You'll all be happy to note that Cranky Guy was nicer this time. He made one snide remark, but with a smile. He was probably just having a bad day last time.

Believe it or not, the best part of the class was practicing effective laboring techniques. We learned that the best laboring techniques included backrubs of some sort. As the one who would unfailingly be on the receiving end of the backrubs, potentially for upwards of 15 hours, I received this news with great joy.

Which was somewhat short lived when they handed around clothespins for everyone. These were to be fastened to our ears for the duration of a short contraction. I don't have my ears pierced for a reason. Matt didn't think I was going to make it.

But I did! I kept that clothespin on my ear for the required 30-40 seconds, and then a second time for even longer without making a peep. Looks like I'll be able to survive labor after all! I did worry the whole time that the clothespin was going to cut through my ear and I'd end up in the emergency room, and was somewhat surprised that it didn't even draw blood. We're told that next week we'll be holding ice. I'll be sure to bring my mittens.

As a side note, I wonder what would've happened if I'd refused the clothespin, or removed it prematurely. After all, I will be enduring enough pain in a few short weeks, so why rush it? Would I have flunked the class? Would they have tattooed "epidural" to my forehead? Or gone ahead and given it to me at that moment? Would I have been spat on by all the other clothespin-festooned students? Maybe we'll find out next week if I can't handle the ice.

As a reward for the clothespin trick, each couple was given a plastic back massager. Very fitting, and it in itself was worth the $20 class fee.

We also received another inspirational quote, which I haven't yet read, as well as more homework: to practice the backrubs. Sign me up! Actually, I haven't read the homework sheet so there might be more, but I think it's sometimes okay to hear only what you want to hear.

Last week's homework, by the way, did actually get done. I'd told Matt I'd do it when he did, and finally on Monday night he found the time. The homework was to dredge up fears, and then compose 2 affirmations for each to counteract them. It went something like this:

Labor will be painful.
Affirmation 1: Yup.
Affirmation 2: And I'll be getting backrubs the entire time (I'd already been clued in on the backrubs before class #2)

Something could happen to me or the baby (or Matt if he says the wrong thing while I'm in pain):
Affirmation 1: That doesn't really happen anymore
Affirmation 2: It just doesn't really happen anymore

I'll be sleep-deprived and cranky in the first few weeks/months:
Affirmation 1: That's not really my problem, it's everyone else's
Affirmation 2: We'll put the DVD player upstairs in our bedroom and I'll live there until I can be nice again

Overall, I learned this class that clothespins are painful, but I can survive.