The hospital tour

I'll admit that the first little bit of Tuesday's hospital tour left me a tiny bit offended. The table we all sat around had a newspaper at every other seat. The women were all offered a packet chock full of wordy information, as well as a pre-registration form, and the men were offered the sports section. While I was responsible for entering all our insurance information into the form, Matt's task was to report on how Tiger Woods won his most recent victory. Hmm. I hoped this wouldn't set the tone for our entire hospital stay (will they plop Matt down in front of ESPN as I writhe in pain alone in the corner trying to produce a child?) and kept my mouth shut.

I'd been told by someone who had taken the tour before (you know who you are!) we would be provided with delicious chocolate-chip cookies to eat. Nope. Not even a cup of water. I had to make it through the 45-minute tour with no sustenance whatsoever. I plan to make that up to myself in my first meal after delivery.

Yes, food really is all I think about.

Our stay will begin in a bright, large and airy, relatively attractive labor room. Amenities include access to a state-of-the-art VCR, a vinyl couch and a vinyl rocking chair. Ice chips and chicken broth will be allowed (I didn't ask if we could put the ice chips in the chicken broth), but almost all other food will have to be smuggled in. Apparently laboring mothers aren't even afforded the comfort a chocolate bar can bring in their hour of need (unless their husbands are cooperative). No wonder women giving birth are often cranky.

After Baby Girl arrives, she will be wheeled away (over my dead body) for testing and such, and I will be wheeled into a storage closet. Oh wait, what? That's our room?

When we were told we'd have accommodations for two (plus the baby), we hadn't taken into account the fact that the room would've seemed a nice one in the former Soviet Union, but not in modern-day America. I wasn't sure which bed looked least comfortable--the hospital bed I'll be sleeping on or the fold-out recliner Matt will use to catch his shut-eye. The recliner looked to be vinyl, again, but the bed's mattress was only about 4 inches thick and looked well-used. Each was about 12 inches wide. Lack of an IV pole made the recliner my top pick, but I imagine I won't be asked my opinion. We may have to change our reservation so we're staying only 1 night instead of 2, although the room service will be nice. We didn't even bother to ask about an indoor pool.

We learned along the way that if you have a c-section, they take your baby away almost immediately for a good 4 hours or so for testing, monitoring and all the little treatments they have to do. If that happens, please hit me over the head with something blunt so I'm not awake for it.

Considering Baby Girl is going to be adorable, well-behaved and in the lower range of poopiness, we were glad to see that security is very tight. Sorry to disappoint, but you won't be able to sneak away with her. Visit us after about 2 weeks, however, and we will probably be ready to give the screaming child to whomever shows up on our doorstep first, assuming you still want her.

The strangest thing was that was were only able to see 1 baby, and that only for a second and because family members were looking at it through a window. It's bad marketing, if you ask me.

And that was pretty much the tour. I've concluded that while parts of this might be fun, it won't be much of a vacation.