Please help

Hi everyone,

This is Kalina writing. Please don't tell Mom I'm writing on her blog, but I need to ask you a favor. The thing is, I think she's planning to change my clothes again tomorrow, or even today, and I simply won't stand for it anymore.

I've already lodged an official complaint with the Better Baby Bureau against her, but I haven't heard back. I told them that I've never heard of anything as absurd as needing to change clothes at least once a day, and besides, I like what I'm wearing. It's pink and it has a squirrel on it.

I try my best to fight her on this, every single time. I have my ways. After all, she can't very easily get a new onesie over my shoulders with my arms raised, now can she? And there's no way I'm going to let her get my hands through the sleeves--the closer I hold them in, the harder time she has.

And of course, I always pull out the secret weapon: shrieking loudly. I'm trying to convince her that I equate changing my clothes with peeling my skin off.

It's been a lot of work, but I know my efforts have paid off. Mom wouldn't dare change my clothes now unless they're well-soiled. I even test her limits sometimes, spitting up all over myself just to see if she has it in her to face another scream session. It can go either way: sometimes she gets that ultra-resolved look in her eye that I know means she's put in imaginary earplugs and has bought something new for me that she desperately wants to see me wear. Other times she pretends it's not too bad and we go play.

And this brings me to what you can do. I need you to help convince Mom of any of the following things:

1.) Spitup is the latest accessory fad: wearing it makes you cool

2.) Changing a baby's clothes has been scientifically proven to cause acne, ADHD and, in extreme cases, kidney failure

3.) I'm always clean and sweet-smelling, and that my current outfit is the cutest one you've seen in your whole life, ever--it should never be removed

Thanks in advance. Working together, we can ensure I never have to face a onesie change again.

-Kalina