Ever since Kalina's been born, we've been reading "How to raise a baby" books, all of them chock full of advice. We like to laugh at them together. Here are some of our reactions:"Sleep when your baby sleeps."
Kalina: Hope my grunting doesn't keep you up.
Me: Seven 15-minute naps per day don't add up to any decent amount of sleep.
"In the first two weeks, your baby should eat at least every 2-3 hours. If your baby falls asleep, you can wake her by gently tickling her or touching her with a cold washcloth."
Kalina: I want to eat every 3 1/2 hours.
Me: The baby will only eat every 3 1/2 hours. We sprung eight rambunctious monkeys, a fire hose and a marching band on her and she remains unmoved and asleep.
"After the first two weeks, continue to feed your baby every 2-3 hours during the day."
Kalina: I changed my mind. Now I want to eat twice an hour.
Me: The baby will not stop eating. Is this payback for the rambunctious monkeys?
"Between the third and fourth months, your baby will lengthen the time between feedings."
Kalina: Yes, but I still reserve the right to eat absurdly often.
Me: The baby is now eating every hour and a half to two hours. Finally, some relief!
"Burp your baby at least once in the middle of a feeding."
Kalina: Interrupt a feeding? Don't even think about it. I'll burp when I want to.
Me: The baby is a really good burper.
"If your baby spits up a lot after feedings, keep her upright for at least 30 minutes."
Kalina: I'll find a way.
Me: Can I buy stock in Stain Stick?
"Between the third and fourth months, your baby will begin a sleep schedule, with 2-3 naps a day."
Kalina: I want five short naps. I will complain about each and every one, but I will complain more if I don't get them. Any deviations must be approved by me in advance.
Me: She's a good sleeper, but we can't leave the house.
"To calm your baby when she's crying, try putting her in her swing. The motion will calm her down"
Kalina: If you do, I'll just scream louder. I'll always make you regret putting me down when I'm unhappy.
Me: The baby sometimes seems to cry all day long.
"Babies are fascinated by their hands, as well as colorful objects."
Kalina: Only as a last resort.
Me: The baby is hard to entertain. Could that be because all of her toys look like they came from a pet store?
"To help your baby relax and get ready to sleep, use a bedtime routine, for instance, bath, change into pajamas, book, bed."
Kalina: Frankly, I don't think anything could prepare me for bedtime.
Me: I'm the only person on the planet who can get Kalina to fall asleep, even if she's not at all hungry. How could a bath help the situation?
"Make sure you give your baby plenty of tummy time every day. Don't do tummy time soon after meals, and if your baby fusses, turn her over so she doesn't learn to dislike tummy time."
Kalina: I've always hated tummy time.
Me: Based on the above requirements, there are only about 3 minutes a day that Kalina might possibly be content to do tummy time and not spit up. But we give it our best shot and promise to do better the next day.
And our personal favorite:
"Around this time, your baby will sleep longer and longer stretches at night. She may even start to sleep through the night!"
Kalina: No.
Me: Do we have a newborn? She wakes every 1 1/2 to 4 hours between 7:30 pm and 7:00 am. If this isn't a growth spurt, I'm going to cry.
You're all invited to a public book burning.
3 comments:
is your baby in a basket?! that's precious!
and good luck with that girl. she's going to be a handful when she's thirteen. i'll pray for you.
Yeah, I think Kalina wins. But she's amazingly adorable in that picture, so I'm thinking you should let her get away with pretty much anything she wants! :)
Cutest picture EVER!!!! Gail thinks it's adorable too.
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