Lulling the baby

Once, when Kalina was still very brand new (as opposed to now, when she's practically old hat), I decided to join the age-old ranks of parents who sing their babies to sleep with peaceful lullabies. [side note: has that ever worked?] I sang the first stanza of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Coincidentally, her eyes drooped slightly. I decided to pull out the big guns (to use a phrase of Matt's) and try Braham's Lullaby.

I opened my mouth, and...wait, how does that go again? I was stumped. However, I soon remembered the words went something like this:

Lullaby, and good night,
You're a cute little baby.
It's time to rest, now, go to sleep.
Mommy really wants a shower.
Lullaby, and good night, please sleep right now.

Lullaby, and goodnight,
You still are not sleeping.
Close your eyes, and go to sleep,
So your mommy can shower.
Lullaby, and good night, please sleep right now.

Or at least, that's how the words went that particular day. I've found it's a very adaptable lullaby.

Then there's the very pretty All Through the Night. I found the lyrics, and have translated them into modern words as follows:

Sleep my child and peace attend thee,
[Baby, go to sleep and stay quietly asleep]
All through the night
[All night]
Guardian angels God will send thee,
[Maybe someone else can take care of you for once]
All through the night;
[All night]
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,
[It's getting really late]
Hill and vale in slumber sleeping,
[Everyone else gets to sleep]
I my loved ones' watch am keeping,
[But I'm still awake jiggling you until my arms fall off so you can sleep]
All through the night.
[All night]

What a pretty song.

Fortunately, and likely not related at all to lullabies, Kalina is a good sleeper. This means we can keep the lullabies to a minimum, which probably saves both of us some embarrassment.

We also have a CD of Toddler Tunes we sing to occasionally, usually out of sheer boredom (she's systematically rejected all her toys and can't be bothered to sit on Mommy's lap for a story, and Mommy feels like she must stimulate her baby somehow). For a while, Little Bunny Foo Foo was guaranteed to get rave reviews from my critical audience.

The worst part of all these songs is that they're just so great, the toddler who apparently lives in my head just can't resist singing them all day long. Which means that, every night as Kalina sleeps rather peacefully in her crib, I drift off to the lulling sounds of London Bridge.

"I'm possibly the slightest bit hungry," and other loud screams

When assessing Kalina's vocal expressions of displeasure, Matt and I like to rank them on a scale of 1 to 5, not unlike the hurricane scale. Perhaps they are, therefore, more accurately referred to as squalls.

Level 1 crying is what you hear on TV. People without kids start to look concerned, whereas people who have small children barely raise their voices to continue their conversations. This crying will escalate within a minute, but is easily consoled by shifting the baby's position, offering a pacifier, burping her or feeding her.

Level 2 crying is like Level 1, but louder and Kalina's face starts to turn pinker than it already is. It's mildly annoying and we move fast to fix it lest she hold a grudge.

Level 3 crying is when things really start to get serious. Kalina's demands are obviously not being met and she's severely displeased. These are some of the loudest cries, and most disharmonious. They can cause hearing loss, and they make Kalina turn bright red like a sunburn. The good cat runs for cover and the bad one tries to nip Matt on the leg so he'll make it stop (I'm not kidding--she's never threatened the baby, only Matt).

Level 4 crying is truly a feat, because this is when she starts to scream without making any noise. At this point, friends without kids are politely excusing themselves to go home and friends with kids are mentally making notes to never let us babysit. Kalina is now purple.

Level 5 screaming involves sounds apparently only a baby can make. I tried, with no success. Some are almost like a fast clicking, others are Level 4 silent screams that are so intense they've added some noise back in. This type of crying takes at least 15 minutes to calm down from, and then we really have to take it easy the rest of the day (no carseats or onesie changes, for example).

Truthfully, though, Kalina is a benevolent dictator. She is very clear in her demands, as long as they're met immediately and entirely she's good-natured. This means occasionally Mommy gets to use the bathroom during the day and only has borderline carpal tunnel. Kalina's wishes are as follows, in this order:

1. Do I have the munchies? Could I possibly manage to eat a little something? If I'm busting at the seams,
2. Am I held upright, facing out, and is the person holding me walking around so I don't get bored? If I'm held by a human, positioned correctly and well entertained,
3. Do I need a pacifier, even if you have to hold it in the whole time because I only kind of want it and only part of the time? If I'm plugged,
4. Do we need to start counting some sheep (I think there are at least 38 in my nursery)? If I'm well rested,
5. Could I possibly be gassy? If my only bubbles are made of spit,
6. How long has it been since I've been held by my mommy? If I've had plenty of mommy time,
7. I'm not having my onesie changed or fresh out of the tub, am I? If so, make it stop immediately.

I do have a favorite cry. It's when she sticks out her bottom lip, pouts and kind of whimpers, and it, admittedly, makes me chuckle because it's so cute and I know nothing is really wrong. This doesn't even register on the cry scale, kind of like how a lawn sprinkler doesn't make national weather news or even get its own name. I certainly don't inflict anything on Kalina to produce this cry, but it might tempt me to linger a split second before calming her, just to watch. (Truthfully, the cry only lasts a split second before it escalates anyway; otherwise, I'd post a picture for you.)

Even though I often complain that Kalina is fussy and on the bad days nickname her Fusspot, she's really not that bad (once again, if her demands are met). I'd estimate she cries no more than a total of 15-20 minutes a day. The truth is, I might be the one more aptly described as fussy, because what I really mean is that I'm short on patience and was really hoping to be able to change out of my pajamas and perhaps eat lunch. The problem I face is that taking care of Kalina and taking care of myself are usually mutually exclusive, and doing something such as brushing my teeth breaks at least one of Kalina's cardinal rules. Sorry, Baby, but I really do tend to blame my trivial problems on you. Hence, Fusspot.

Whenever Kalina's screams reach a Level 3 or higher, Matt and I both have noticed we get a bit edgy. In fact, we've heard that recorded baby cries have been used as weapons during wartime. We wonder if the attackers even had to lift a finger to destroy their enemy or if, spurred by the horrid sounds, the defenders just gave up on themselves and each other.

Fortunately, we're not at the point of giving up. Just ranking.

Pediatrician visit!

We celebrated Kalina's 2-month birthday today with a trip to the pediatrician for shots. Joy. We learned that she's a lot like her mother: tough as a cream puff when it comes to vaccinations of any kind.

The visit started with a weight check. Kalina still eats about every 2 hours (start to start) during the day, so I expected her to be over 10 pounds (or, truthfully, closer to 80). Nope--9 lbs, 12 ounces. It's a very good weight gain, though, and it puts her into the 25th percentile (up from 10% a month or so ago). Her head circumference is also nicely in the 25th percentile (Matt commented that he's glad she's proportional), and her length is 22 5/8 (up from 21 inches last month), which is the 50th percentile. Despite the rolls of baby fat I see growing on her, she's still a tall, skinny baby!

We asked about a little red mark on her shoulder. It's a birth mark! This mark will probably fade after a year or so, or else we can have it removed in a cosmetic laser surgery. We didn't ask if we could have it removed sooner, because we don't want our baby to be vain (which doesn't stop me from dressing her in the cutest clothes possible).

We then thoroughly discussed vaccinations. The latest fad in child-rearing is to opt out of them. Matt thinks this is bull, but he and the doctor still managed to go over the ins and outs of everything that goes into vaccines and the science behind them to reassure everyone in the room, while I tried to keep the baby as happy as possible before she got them. Although neither Kalina nor I understood half of what was said, it made for a very educational doctor visit.

And then it was time. Poor baby! We told her how brave she is and then let the doctor do his work.

The doctor commented that Kalina is the first baby he'd seen cry about the oral vaccine, so we knew we were in for it with the shots. Three Band-Aids later and our daughter was purple faced and screaming so vigorously no noise was coming out. Poor thing! Matt said it was a good thing I had my eyes closed the whole time, and that there's no doubt she's my child.

On checking out, we received two large bags of formula samples, and a prime appointment time for her next visit. It pays to be on good terms with the receptionist.

Kalina's next visit is in two months. We hope she forgives us by then.

I'm a fan (and she is, too)

One of the most special things about a new mommy and her baby is that were they competing in a game of football, each would cheer for the other side.

I've learned the past couple weeks, sometimes, admittedly, to my dismay, that I'm undoubtedly Kalina's favorite person. "How sweet!" kindly exclaim the sentimentalists who are then able to go about their daily lives, showered and without backaches that never end.

"How sweet!" I agree as long as I'm fed, watered, clean, comfortable and relatively well entertained (i.e., a magazine) and have an empty bladder. Seeing as I'm about ready to buy Target out of Advil and adult diapers, those things don't happen very often, especially all at once.

Actually, it really is sweet in theory and I know I'll greatly miss the days when although I have to contort myself to make her comfortable and then hold the position for a decade to keep her asleep, a cute little baby is cuddled happily in my arms. Truly, I will.

But is it bad if I say she's a bit clingy? Am I really that cool? New-motherhood certainly has its ego boosts.

At the same time, this apparent compliment is coming from a being who blows spit bubbles (and not even cool big ones) and has just barely begun to realize she has hands, let alone a pancreas. Should I truly be honored?

And then there's the other side of things. "Mom, do I really need dozens of pink onesies with cute prints and pictures on them? And why did you decorate my room when I don't even care while yours still looks a tiny bit like Wal-Mart's back storage area? What gives?"

I admit, I'm as enchanted with Kalina as she seems to be with me. Especially when she has a pink cupcake embroidered on her outfit. How sweet!

Her attachment isn't entirely crippling. For instance, I can bend down about as far as I could when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant while I'm holding her, and I've learned how to do the following activities one-handed:
-Fasten twist-ties
-Make a sandwich
-Do a complete load of laundry (minus folding)
-Eat a full meal
-Feed the cats
-Retrieve and sort through mail
-Type

And it can actually be useful, too. "I couldn't possibly take out the trash. You wouldn't want me to spill it on the baby, would you?" Plus, if it were winter, I'd enjoy the extra warmth.

So as long as Kalina doesn't mind if I haven't showered, I think we'll do okay. She's cute, she seems to like me, and I don't need my left arm, anyway.

Kalina's world

Every morning when Kalina wakes up, her window smiles at her. She smiles back, a huge grin that'll probably be the biggest of the day.

As she's unswaddled, she watches 2 lambs, 2 bunnies and a chicky perform a special dance set to Braham's Lullaby in her honor. She's entranced.

During diaper time, a small stuffed pig rattles his happiness at seeing her. She almost reaches out to touch him as he jubilantly bounces in front of her, rattling the whole time.

Playtime lets Kalina enjoy several of her best friends. Lamb Rattle kisses her on the cheek. Blue Rattle begs for her attention, just wanting to be held. And Yellow Lion, one of her dearest and oldest friends, simply waits patiently by, hoping to catch her eye. Fireplace holds her gaze the longest and captures a few grins.

She's wheeled around like a princess during morning walk, but she surveys her territory only briefly before dozing off for a while.

Naps and feedings later, it's time for more playtime. Kalina is carried around to various points of interest, including Picture Wall and Refrigerator, where she says hello with gentle coos to friends and family, and Aquarium, where nine fish (we counted) parade back and forth for her pleasure.

During her early evening stroller ride, she admires the beauty of the trees against the sky and is glad they're there.

Later in the evening, Lamp catches Kalina's gaze. She hasn't noticed Lamp much before now today, but is happy to see him. She stares and smiles.

Tucked safely in her crib for the night, a stuffed sheep sings her to sleep with soothing sounds. Another day has come and gone.

Kalina knows that the entire world is happy she's here, and that she was welcome even before she arrived.

Why I'm a terrible mom

There are often crumbs on my baby because I eat over her. I'm pretty sure I've accidentally pinched her during diaper changes and that's why she's screamed so much (I've since been more careful and the screaming has mostly stopped). I've started using burp rags as my own personal napkins because we always have them around and they're so convenient.

One time I even caught her delicate skin in a snap as I was changing her diaper. She'd already been shrieking and she took it up a notch. I now knew she had a reason for the screams other than "my tummy isn't quite full."

I also occasionally buy ice cream instead of putting the money directly into her college fund, and I dress her in cute outfits simply because I want to see her in them, even though she screams every single time.

Yet sometimes I avoid changing her outfit, even if it reeks a bit from spit-up, simply because I don't want to hear her screams, or make her upset.

Sometimes I avoid changing her diaper when I know Matt will be home from work soon so I can hand her off "to Daddy to play!" (with a bright smile, as if it should be an honor to play with her, which it is of course) and then offhandedly mention that, by the way, she could probably use a diaper change.

When I'm carrying her, even though I know she's perfectly safe, sometimes she gets a freaked-out look on her face, as if she thinks she's off balance and is going to be dropped. I can see it in her eyes and it's unmistakable. Her arms even flail as if trying to keep her from falling or to be ready to catch her if she does.

When she spits up on me, my first instinct is to wipe it off my clothes first, then hers and then her face. After all, it's easier to clean skin than clothes and she'll grow out of hers before I'm done with mine.

If I could bribe her to reinstate her long afternoon nap, I would in a heartbeat.

Sometimes I throw her toys at the cats when they're misbehaving and I can't get to them.

Then there was the time that I caught some kind of chill and couldn't get warm no matter what I did. Thinking Kalina must be cold, too ("boy, it's cold in here!") I bundled her up in layer upon layer until she was red and practically sweating.

Yup, Kalina's destined to avoid me as a teenager.

The ironic thing is that in the skin-in-snap incident, as in others, she found herself wanting to be comforted by the very person who had inflicted the pain on her. Is she in an abusive relationship? Should she seek help?

I think there's a reason children don't remember much before age 3.

My little shopper

One of the reasons I was excited about having a girl was because she'd be a built-in shopping buddy. I planned to begin programming her as such early on, so that even if Matt turned her into a little fisher girl, she'd still have happy shopping associations and therefore continue the sport through adulthood. To this end, I wouldn't think twice about bribing her with new toys on any occasion.

However, I think I got more than I bargained for. A box arrived at our house the other day containing a Bumper Jumper--a toy we've heard is extremely fun for young babies. The only name on it was Kalina Lynn. Is she already shopping? And buying herself presents? What a whiz kid!

I envision her helping me redecorate the living room by the time she's 2. Or even helping me fill out my post-pregnancy wardrobe. What a perfect thing to be a child prodigy in! Much more useful than, say, chess or quantum physics. We have lots of fun in store.

Or...did you help Kalina order a present? If so, I would love to send you a thank-you note--I'm just not sure who to address it to! Please let me know!