The sleep game

Because I'm cranky this morning (you'll see why by the end of this post), we're going to play a little game. You'll need a coin you can flip, a place to tally your score, and some patience. This game illustrates a typical night of sleep (or lack thereof) for a person late in her pregnancy. You start at zero; let's begin.

Your first challenge is getting to sleep in the first place. You're usually exhausted by day's end, but sometimes you have a lot on your mind, too, or are queasy and achy. Flip your coin 4 times. For each heads you get, subtract 1 point. If you get all 4 heads, subtract an additional 3 points.

Sometime between 12:30 and 12:50 you have to run to the bathroom. The shortest duration of a full sleep cycle is about 90 minutes. Flip your coin. Heads, you achieved a cycle--subtract 2 points anyway for waking up. Tails, you didn't--subtract 6 points.

Flip your coin to see if you have to make a 1:30 bathroom run. Heads you do, subtract 4 points. Subtract an additional 6 points if you flipped tails last time--you're now 1/3 of the way through the night and haven't gotten any good sleep. Tails, subtract 1 point for general tossing and turning.

It's now 2:30. Time for another trip to the bathroom. Subtract twice what you subtracted in the previous step.

Baby is big enough now to have more of a say in how you sleep. Flip the coin. Heads, she's moving--cute, but uncomfortable. Subtract 2 points. Tails, she's not moving. Subtract 1 point for worry.

4:00 a.m. and you're jolted awake by a potential leg cramp. You're an expert in handling these, but they've been known to slip through. Flip your coin 3 times. If you get heads at least once, you stop it in its tracks--subtract only 2 points. If they're all tails, you don't--subtract 8 points because it thoroughly wakes up you and your husband, who couldn't help but hear your screams, and your heart is racing so it takes forever to get back to sleep. And it really hurts.

At this point, you should be able to tell if you're going to spend the rest of the night dealing with a back ache or leg aches. A folded towel between your knees helps a back ache, but has been known to cause leg aches, so you may need to adjust accordingly. Flip your coin 5 times. Each time you flip tails, subtract 2 points to account for the tossing and turning you'll do in the next 3 hours to remedy whatever aches you have.

You decide to head to the bathroom in the hopes that maybe, just this once, you'll sleep through from now until morning. Flip your coin 3 times. If you get all heads or all tails, congratulations: skip the next step. Otherwise, just subtract 2 points

5:30 rolls around. Subtract 2 points if you slept with the window open because the birds will keep you awake (heads you did--air conditioning is expensive and you overheat easily nowadays--tails you didn't). Either way, you have to use the bathroom yet again. Subtract 3 more points because the birds and impending light make it harder to go back to sleep, whether the window is open or not.

Flip a coin to see if you wake up early (a phrase that hardly means anything to you anymore). Heads you do--subtract 2 points.

You've made it through another night! Now, go conquer the day! The ironic thing is that nothing about this night leaves you looking forward to the next one.

Scoring scale:
40-50 points: Congratulations, you achieved an excellent night of sleep and are very well rested! Your baby will be in extremely good health and live a near-perfect life.
30-39 points: You did great--you're able to bounce out of bed and begin your day in excellent spirits. Your baby will enjoy very good health and happiness.
20-29 points: Good job, you got a better-than-average night of non-pregnant sleep. Your baby will do very well.
10-19 points: Not bad! An average night of sleep. At least you won't be tired today, and your baby will be just fine.
0-9 points: Your night could use some improvement. You'll be a bit sluggish today, but should make it through. Your baby may need glasses at some point in his/her life.
Under 0: You got a very bad night of sleep. Your baby is not happy with you. If this were an isolated occasion, you would grumble quite a bit and try to set aside some time for a nap. If you're late in your pregnancy you will simply be a bit cranky when you wake up and then do whatever you were planning to do anyway because it's not like the next night is going to be any better.

Hope you had fun! Now play this every night from week 30 (a month ago) until you deliver, at which point you double all subtracted point values for the next 3 months.