The surprising history of the baby monitor

The earliest record of the use of a baby monitor comes from ancient Babylonia. On a stone tablet found in a room of a house that had cute carvings of lambs and bunnies on the walls, reference was made to a "Baby Hearer" in a list that also included "Baby Excrement Collector" and "Baby Wrap-Me-To-Keep-Me-Warm Cloth." However, homes weren't very big back then, so some archaeologists, surprised at the need for a baby monitor, have concluded that a "baby hearer" could instead be a device for listening to a baby's internal organs, just for fun. About a dozen grad students are currently researching the topic so we can all know for sure.

The next reference to a baby monitor isn't until years later, in ancient Rome. A wall mural found in a large home shows a woman listening to a box with an antenna, while another box with an antenna sits at the other end of the mural next to a crying baby. The woman, however, is laughing and eating grapes with friends, looking well rested, so there's some doubt as to the validity of this baby monitor, too.

During the dark ages, no one could afford baby monitors, or babies, for that matter. Monks, however, perfected the design and added the video feature that is still in use at times today.

In the age of chivalry, baby monitors were once again put into play, but only in the richest and most noble households. It was widely accepted, however, that they weren't so much used for listening to babies as they were for spying on family members who may be plotting a coup. "Kitchy, kitchy coo, I'm going to murder your daddy so I can claim the throne, kitchy coo!" and so forth.

It wasn't until the enlightenment that anyone thought of using baby monitors as torture devices. Babies' cries were transmitted into dungeons where the most dangerous murderers and Protestants were kept. The next day, their bodies would be dragged out into the street as a warning.

In the Victorian era, all babies had rosy pink cheeks and never stopped smiling. Baby monitors were not needed because they never cried.

During wartime, baby monitors were collected by the government to be used to pick up enemy radio transmissions, since sometimes they do better at that than picking up sounds in the baby's room, anyway.

The 1950s, the golden age of households, was another a low point for baby monitors. Perfect housewives were much more able than they are now, and could cook a large Thanksgiving-style dinner, vacuum the whole house, attend a charity lunch, scrub the kitchen floor and toss in a load of laundry all while putting the baby down for a nap in the back bedroom. However, they were advertised as "The nanny of the future" and many people owned them simply so they could brag to their neighbors about them.

During the "empowerment" era of the 1980s, baby monitors were used, but usually ignored, much like ancient Rome. Phrases such as "just let the baby cry it out" were in vogue. If Baby cried, Mommy would just rush out and buy herself a cute new pair of shoes to help her feel better.

In modern times, baby monitors pair with the wisdom of the day (respond immediately to Baby's cry until she's 4 months old, and then respond promptly) to make life as difficult as possible for the new mom. Never before in history have moms been able to hear every peep their baby makes, and at the same time be fair game for public shunning if they dawdle on their way to the baby's crib.

The latest developments in baby monitors include "Husband Headphones," which are earbuds connected to the monitor that can be placed in Daddy's ears while he sleeps so Mommy can take a break, and heavy-duty models, which can survive hammer blows and being held under water for 10 minutes. In some households, cats are being trained as first responders, with limited success.