How to tell a boy baby from a girl baby

This has been a problem lately, so I'm writing a tutorial. Please forward it to anyone you know who frequents grocery stores, restaurants or walking trails.

We've all been there--we're out and about minding our own business when we see a baby! It's so cute, we just have to comment! But we begin the sentence in such a way that we're immediately committed to deciding whether the baby is a boy or a girl in order to choose the right pronoun. What to do?! Guess? Wrong. There are ways to know for sure! Here's a helpful checklist for what to look for so that next time, you get it right!

1. Is the baby wearing a dress? If so, it's a girl.
2. Look for pink. If you see ANY pink on ANY article of clothing or accessory, the baby is a girl. The pink may appear in a pattern, so please look carefully--it's almost always there.
3. In the absence of pink, look for purple. If you see ANY purple that can't be confused with royal blue, the baby is a girl.
4. In the absence of pink or purple, look for pale yellow. Contrary to popular belief, most parents will not dress a baby boy in pale yellow in public more than once, as it's a virtual guarantee that Junior will be referred to as "sweet little girl" (if this is the baby's first time out of the house, this rule does not apply as the parents have likely not experienced this yet; also does not apply to pajamas).
5. In the absence of any of these colors, look for a hair accessory that is not a hat. If you see ANY hair accessory that is not a hat, the baby is a girl.
6. If there are no telltale girly colors or hair accessories, look for other visual cues. The following are girly: butterflies, flowers, ladybugs, birds (pterodactyls do not count as birds), cats/kittens, rodents (except beavers) and any cute foods such as cupcakes and cherries. The following are boyish: any sports item, any dinosaur, most jungle animals, bugs (except butterflies and ladybugs), the vast majority of dogs/puppies and any machinery (including cars and spaceships).
7. You can also look for the following phrases often printed on onesies and bibs: princess (girl), cutie (girl), sweet (girl), dude (boy), monster (boy).
8. Boys almost never wear polka dots.
9. Girls almost never wear sweater vests or plaid flannel shirts.
10. The following are NOT reliable in telling a boy from a girl: hair length (whether longish or shortish), denim, the color blue, the color green, a girly diaper bag (as the mom's accessory, this can be girly even if the baby is a boy) and certain animals (bears, whales, turtles, giraffes, hippos and snails, among others).

When in doubt, do not refer to the baby as either a boy or a girl. Use the following word instead: baby. If you must, try child, little one, sweetheart, honey pie, cutie, or punkin.

To avoid embarrassment entirely, stick to the following phrases when commenting on a baby:
1. What a little sweetie! How old?
2. Your baby is just precious!
3. Why is your child chewing on my purse?

If you make a mistake, there's not much you can do to redeem yourself. Choose from the following responses, as appropriate:
1. I should've known! He/She's far too pretty to be a boy/handsome to be a girl! (flattery)
2. I'm so sorry! Let me buy him/her a toy! (bribery--this works best if you plan to have a continuing relationship with the offended parent)
3. He/She's so precious! How are you all sleeping at night? (change the subject)

And finally, don't feel too bad if you guess wrong. Mommy's friends have undoubtedly warned her this would happen and generally feels a sense of goodwill toward anyone taking an interest in her child. In fact, if you guess correctly, be prepared to be solicited for free babysitting (true experts will guess wrong on purpose).

In conclusion, you now have all the tools you need to comment on the next cute baby you see! Go forth and seek cute babies!

Photo: When did my child's thighs get so pinchable? She's modeling her cute cloth diaper and standing one-handed!