A mommy confession, or A Short Tale of Two Lambys

When Kalina was just a few hours old, she did this cute little thing where she cried because I wasn't holding her. I knew that was why she cried, because the second I reclaimed her from whoever was holding her in my rather helpless effort to "see if I can do anything," she stopped crying. I was a little bit proud at my mommy superpower.

One year, 1 month and several weeks later, and she's still doing it. Cute then, very loud and disruptive now. (Secretly, I still think it's sweet.)

And that brings me to a confession that's somewhat embarrassing, but I don't think I'll feel better until I get it off my chest. I will probably be scorned by all working parents, and misunderstood by everyone else. But I might as well just get it out in the open, so here goes:

My 13 1/2-month-old has never been babysat while awake by anyone other than her grandma, and then only for short intervals.

And there we have it.

I don't have trust issues. Kalina doesn't have a health condition that requires my or her daddy's full attention at all times. There's no good reason for this except that she has massive stranger anxiety antagonistically blended with separation anxiety, so that if I even look toward the door when I have a friend over Kalina dashes to my side, glues herself to me and takes the deepest breath she can muster to prepare for the scream that would have a banshee running for cover. Her safe, happy little world crumbles, and I can see it in her face and in her eyes.

My friends tell me "Sure, she'll cry a little when you leave her with someone for the first time. But she'll get over it!" I have to politely disagree (as do those who have seen Kalina's stranger anxiety in action). She might get over it, but it'd break a little part of her.

Parenting resources tell me:
1. Have your babysitter come over a few minutes early so that your child can get used to her.
2. Establish a goodbye ritual with your child, so he or she knows you will return.

Once again, their advice belongs to a planet other than that on which I live. Who writes these things?

Those who Understand tell me:
1. Just wait it out; you can run errands on your own once the kid starts school.

I have yet to find a happy medium, other than:
1. Send Daddy to the driving range at least weekly so he'll be willing to babysit on the occasional Saturday.

I might just be lazy. Having had some success a few weeks ago with Matt's parents, I know what would actually work to solve this problem:
1. Find a babysitter willing to come over daily for a week to play with Kalina for several hours while I gradually inch away and eventually leave.
2. Repeat with every person I might ever want to watch Kalina, and in every location I might want Kalina to be watched.
3. At the going rate of $10/hour, shell out approximately $200/week. Also, commit to being 100% available during this time, or at least at home, to ease the transition.

Hmmm, I wonder why I haven't taken this project on yet.

Yes, I'm very embarrassed about this little situation. I'm relieved to know that it's not simply because I'm a stay-at-home mom, though: most of my friends' babies do fine with strangers. And besides, I'm pretty sure Kalina has been this way since birth.

Yes, I know I could just break my child in. She'd cry and get over it and be mostly herself again. Is "but I don't wanna" a good enough reason not to? Do I get to play the mommy card and tell people that they can do what they want with their child, but I'm not going to put my 13 1/2-month-old through that kind of trauma? I think I'd rather pay a babysitter $200 to sit with me in the living room for a week.

Besides, I keep hoping she'll grow out of it or that Lamby and Lamby (her "lovey" and her "lovey's" stunt double) will solve the problem for me by becoming a replacement mommy.

Lamby was introduced when Kalina was about eight months old, and Kalina has attached nicely. The other Lamby was introduced a week or two ago when reality hit that if we ever lost Lamby, we would regret the day we didn't run to Babies R Us to pick up a second one. I lucked out when they had one in stock--the first had been purchased as a gift before Kalina was born. I counted myself lucky to be paying $10.50 for the security that Lamby brought and Kalina counted herself extremely lucky for the split second I let her hold both at once before stashing the first one in the closet so that the second one could achieve the same dinginess I was astonished to find Lamby had. Fortunately, Kalina is still relatively easy to fool (although she's getting less so).

But in the meantime, there are freelance meetings and jury duty (of all things!!!???!?!?!?) to worry about, and Matt starting a new, much less flexible job, so I'm going to have to face this fear of mine/Kalina's sooner rather than later.

At least now it's all out on the table. You can all shake your heads at home about what a terrible mommy I must be for getting myself into this situation and not being willing to do the obvious thing to get myself out of it, and how I'm probably exaggerating (okay, maybe the banshee comment above was a little out of place, but the rest stands) but please avoid judging me in your comments, or even being too reassuring, because I simply won't believe you. *sigh* And if that's the worst thing I'm doing, that's not too bad. Thank you for letting me share.

[As a side note, a friend witnessed Kalina's anxiety firsthand yesterday and agrees with me that it's beyond anything she's ever seen. So I'm not 100% crazy.]

Photo 1: Kalina playing train (except I don't think she actually knows what a train is)
Photo 2: Lamby and Lamby. Lamby was purchased more than a year earlier than Lamby. Can you count the differences? Here's what I found:
1. Lamby's eyes are different than Lamby's.
2. Lamby is considerally whiter than Lamby.
3. Lamby smells better than Lamby