Elise's sleep journey: Part 1

Every child is special. And so is every child's sleep. As most of you know by now, we're fairly obsessed with sleep here at the Odegaard household: possibly because we all do so much better when we get enough.

We're all (even Kalina) on a quest to help Elise get the best, most quantificous sleep possible. Here's a summary of the first step in her journey, as designated by the fact that I have the time to write this now.

When Elise was born, after all the ooohing and aaahhing, I began to eye the girl a bit suspiciously. After all, she was a newborn: not only are they notoriously rocky sleepers (asleep in the daytime, awake at night), but they all vary, just like bigger people do.

Just as some newborns grow up to be successful biologists or writers while other less fortunate newborns grow up to be clowns and politicians, some newborns are the rave of their mommies' blogs and Facebook statuses for their lengthy naps and nighttimes, while others' sleep habits are only bemoaned in the same venues.

How would Elise and I get along? I wondered. I'm positive we'll find some things in common (already have: we both enjoy a well-placed window), but until then, will be both be sleeping? Or not?

When anticipating this new baby, I counted on the fact that newbors sleep a lot during the day. I pictured playing with Kalina, helping my older child not feel quite so displaced in her new family, while Elise dozed happily by our sides despite tumbling blocks and toddler shrieks of delight. If this wasn't the case, I had no further strategies: all hope would be lost.

And true to newborn form, Elise slept just fine for the first couple weeks--even nighttimes weren't too bad. I breathed a sigh of relief and focused all my energy in smoothing sisterly relations while Elise dozed in her swing. But I knew from experience that teaching a baby to sleep after the first month is about as difficult as instructing a baby in the fine art of French cooking, so I sent Matt to the library and he came home with armfuls of our old favorite sleep books (and some new ones).

Elise's sleep deteriorated as I read up on ideal waketimes and newborn brain mechanisms, and by the time I felt the slightest bit equipped, I needed all the help I could get. Our philosophy of "she's a newborn, she'll sleep when she needs to," had been fun, but it had also produced a wildly overtired baby who wasn't sleeping much more than our toddler. Trouble. Fortunately, help was on the way.

The Baby Whisperer's book had struck a chord with me. A combination of no-nonsense and a soft heart who advocates understanding your baby, the author offered some concrete techniques for getting a good night--and day--of sleep. Perhaps I was thinking a bit too wistfully, but I also liked her promise that, if I timed put-down correctly, I could simply hold my baby swaddled in a dark room for five minutes, put the baby in the crib, and walk confidently away, anticipating that not only would the baby fall asleep on her own, but she would stay asleep for 1 1/2 to 2 hours. Sign me up!

My initial problem was that, although I only skimmed certain sections of the Baby Whisperer's book, I never saw her mention what to do if you have a toddler trying to scale the side of your baby's crib while you put the baby down in it. Fortunately, after a week or so of trailing behind me into Elise's room, Kalina has decided that she has better things to do with her time while I put the baby down for endless naps. She also rarely attends diaper changes anymore.

I began first thing in the morning, having already noticed that Elise likes nothing better than a good nap almost exactly an hour after waking up. This is also convenient for me, as I can deal with the toddler whirlwind of: "Kalina wants a hardboiled egg to eat on the picnic table. Read a book. The cat is stuck behind the chair and Kalina can't get the cat out! Potty," without having to drag Elise through all of it, poor girl.

I followed instructions to the T, walking confidently away after I'd laid Elise in her crib. Then, at Elise's beckoning, I came back and put the pacifier back in her mouth about a million times, probably, and I might have rocked her a bit (to make sure she's drowsy), and finally she fell asleep. For 20 minutes.

What do you even do with a baby who only sleeps 20 minutes? Or 30? Or 5? First-time moms on the message boards I occasionally visit dreamily talked about holding their baby for all naps. Meanwhile, I did loads of laundry, kept the house clean-ish, baked and freelanced while managing a toddler, too. It's a world of difference.

I repeated the nap routine (sometimes resorting to the swing or carseat when nothing was working) through the next day, and the next, and the next until it seemed that most of my time was spent in a dark room, and I'd blink whenever I saw sunlight. As you can imagine, the addition of darkness to my repeated failure did nothing to improve my frustration. Sometimes the baby would sleep an hour, sometimes 5 minutes, and sometimes not at all, despite hours of trying.

The sleep books told me to put her down earlier: I did. A small part of my brain told me to put her down later: I did. I put her down full and swaddled, I let her fuss a bit, or sat there holding the pacifier in. I ignored the Baby Whisperer and drove her around in the car. I rocked her until my arms were about to fall off. I ran up and down the stairs as I tended to her needs and the toddler's needs at the same time. I spent entire days focusing on naps while Matt and Kalina went out and had all kinds of fun. You name it, I tried it. I could not force the baby to sleep.

It wouldn't have grieved me so much had I hadn't seen Elise's frustration as well: here was a baby who wanted to nap, but couldn't, whether I helped her or left her alone, put her down early or late, etc.! What was I doing wrong? Why can I do all the right things and still not have a napping baby, while other people do nothing and have excellent sleepers? Poor Matt got very tired of having his deer hunting conversations interrupted as I bemoaned Elise's poor sleep. It was officially an obsession.

And then I gave myself a break, and went back to having an overtired baby, and reaching out for help on Facebook (thank you to all who responded, you cheered me up considerably!).

After wallowing in despair for the rest of the day, I decided that there's no budging around the crib nap: Elise hadn't had a good swing nap in days, and wasn't getting any less aware of the toddler bustling around her. I tried harder. Elise seemed to nap a million little times a day, but at least she was napping.

As I persisted, Elise matured, so that about the time I really needed to see progress, she instituted a long morning nap. The household breathed a sigh of relief.

Now, Elise eats once at night (and occasionally wakes up just to be settled one or two other times), and once usually in the 5 a.m. hour (night? morning? we haven't decided). Regardless of when she eats, I make sure she's awake "for the day" by 6:30. She naps an hour afterward (so, around 7:30, give or take), and usually sleeps until 9:30-ish. Yes, it's true!

On a good day, Elise will catnap in the car if we head out after that, and then take a long afternoon nap--but these days only happen maybe 2 times per week, usually on the weekends when Matt's babysitting. The rest of the day, she'll take 45-minute naps, or less if we're out and about. She's not always happy that she can't get back to sleep, but we all manage. And she seems to be dropping her late evening nap, although she still needs to sleep at that time so I'm not really sure what I'll do (probably move bedtime earlier or distract her with a bath).

And our routine is as simple as the Baby Whisperer promised it could be. Simpler, really--Elise doesn't really require rocking anymore, which I'm admittedly a tiny bit disappointed in.

I learned a little about Elise during this time: mostly, that she can't be awake for more than about an hour (sometimes a bit more if we're out) without getting overtired. She also hates being moved or messed with when she's sleepy. "Just give me a swaddle and a pacifier and a dark room and leave me alone!" she seems to say.

She also really can put herself to sleep, as long as the timing is right. Sometimes even without the pacifier, I'd guess.

And it also seems that she's willing to be a decent crib napper, or a decent on-the-go napper, but not both, so I can picture us having to limit our outings in the future. Sleep is important. We will maintain a balance, though--I refuse to stay inside the house for the entirety of the baby's first year just so I can put Elise down for all her naps. Kalina and I both have our sanity to maintain. So we will stay in only on the really cold or wet days.

I must admit that I'm a bit proud for having almost figured out this whole sleep thing, and proud of Elise for the same reason. However, I'm not ready to claim success quite yet: we still have the 4-month sleep regression in our path. I'm sure you'll hear from me again then. Let's hope it's good news.

Photo: Elise helps decorate the Christmas tree!