Olympics: Preggo vs New-mom

I've noticed my life has changed drastically in the last 3 weeks. For one, I look different. For another, there's a small cute person who insists on following me everywhere. I'm glad for the change although this new state of new-motherhood has its challenges just as pregnancy did. Why is everything the most difficult for those who could most use a break?

It makes no sense, so I decided to turn it into a competition: Olympic games pitting my pregnant self against my new-mom self. But don't let the word "games" fool you: not much of this is fun!

The mascot will be the panda (and I'm going to pretend I thought of it first) and, in the tradition of each, refreshments will be served. Preggo will be offering egg salad and donuts while new-mom will provide stale crackers. There will be no breaks or time-outs, ever. New-mom must always be accompanied by newborn.

Without further ado:

First event: Walking. For this event, competitors must walk a 1-mile course with some hills. It's a race. New-mom will use a stroller.
Commentary: As New-mom struggles to push stroller in a straight line, Preggo waddles past with an early lead. New-mom catches up at the first hill because although she has the extra weight of a stroller to push, Preggo has the lung capacity of a thimble and has to rest several times on the way up. The only thing that makes the race even close at this point is that New-mom begins to feel the pain of recovery. However, she pops a couple of Advil--something Preggo can't do--and finishes the race strong.
Winner: New-mom

Second event: Bending over. Players must pick up a series of household objects from the floor. Rankings are based on style, success and speed.
Commentary: Preggo knows just what to do--she alternates between the giraffe position and a simple squat to slowly and steadily retrieve her objects. Meanwhile, New-mom struggles with the fact she only has one free hand and must contain a floppy baby safely in the other. She attempts to use her feet to "hand" her the objects (if you hand something with your feet, is it still called handing?). The judges aren't impressed, however, ranking her frantic efforts at only a 6.5 (points taken off for baby's screams) while they give Preggo a solid 8.
Winner: Preggo

Third event: Sleeping. Players race to be the first to achieve 8 hours of sleep.
Commentary: Beginning with a well-fed baby, New-mom falls asleep faster than the speed her lightbulb can go out, while Preggo tosses and turns as much as a pregnant woman can. For the rest of the night she continues to wake every hour or so for at least a few minutes. Towards morning, she wrestles with insomnia again. Meanwhile, New-mom is awake for at least 1 hour out of every 3. She also is awake for an extended period of time in the early hours as the baby decides it would be a good time to play: in fact, she doesn't sleep more than 30 minutes between 3:30 am and 8:30 am. It takes Preggo 11 1/2 hours to get 8 hours of sleep, whereas it takes New-mom 18.
Winner: Preggo

Final event: Fashion & Hygiene. Contestants are assessed on their general appearance at three different times during the day. They're ranked on overall cleanliness as well as fashion sense.
Commentary: During the first checkpoint, both Preggo and New-mom are caught in their pajamas, unshowered. Preggo has brushed her teeth (New-mom probably won't get around to that until late afternoon), while New-mom has spit-up stains on her pajama shorts. The next checkpoint shows that Preggo has showered and done something with her hair and makeup. However, her toenails are a bit long, as is her leg hair. New-mom has showered but got interrupted, so she looks something like a wet rat. She's avoiding makeup like a dirty diaper pail, and her stubbornness will cost her some precious points. Both are dressed in real clothes, and New-mom gets points for almost looking like a normal person, even though she doesn't even fit into her fattest "fat" jeans yet. The final checkpoint finds Preggo back in pajamas, which she's dribbled ice cream on. New-mom has done her hair and put on a necklace in her ever-present quest to recapture a sense of normalcy, but has been spit up on again.
Winner: This one's a tie, with both contestants receiving a rating of 4.3.

It looks like the gold-medalist for this competition is Preggo. As a dubious reward, she will advance to the more-challenging New-mom level. Congratulations.